i've been all deep and tragic lately

Basically, I see myself as a winter person. I love to wear woolen socks and scarfs indoors, drink tea and chat with friends, walk outside in the snow so that your cheeks get red, listen to lovely music and feeling quiet and peaceful just because the world is. Most of the time. Just now, though, I found myself thinking about summer, all the great things like swimming or sleeping outside or laying in grass, drinking wine and laughing. People in short skirts and shades and I'm the only one who never gets tanned. Heartaches and too much spare time. Standing in the rain.



Skins has always had the power to make me feel weird in a way. But it's not just that. I've my own memories as well. Like sitting in Holland Park with the taste of curry you just ate still lingering, listening to opera and not even caring that it rains. Talking for hours, watching the sun rise when you're still a bit drunk, not minding the mosquitoes. Going barefoot in a forest even though there might be snakes. Hugging a friend and catching their familiar scent. Kissing in the rain, all drunk and obvious and people are looking but it's fine because you're the only people who're really there.

Sitting by the sea, a bit cold, not doing a thing.



The year is almost gone. I don't know what I'll be doing this time next year. Hopefully I'll still have people to love like I do. I've learnt a good few things about life and myself this year. Well, I can't really say. I can't think a year back any more than I can think a year ahead. I guess I kind of live in the now. Sort of. I dunno. Well anyway, good times. Happy 2011.

I've this cool meme to fill, and I'll be posting it as I write something here. If I remember. It's in ten parts. I'm also challenging Vilma to do the same thing! Think of it as a New Year's thing. Or something.

Day One: Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now.
1. If you wouldn't try so hard to run away all the time, if you just didn't hate yourself so much, it'd be so much easier to love you. But I tend to keep a distance if people run away from me.
2. Sometimes I don't know what to think about you and around you. But the time to ask questions is over. I've asked my questions and I've made my mistakes and even though I'll never be able to not love you I'm glad we're okay. And now I know that no matter how I feel, nothing is more important than not ever losing you again.
3. I wish I could be as important to you as you are to me. I love you; you're my dearest friend.
4. When you smile at me, hug me, sound delighted when you meet me or tell me your secrets it makes me feel important.
5. It's going to be the time of our lives, girl, if we make it so. You're fun to be around, you make everybody smile. Thanks for all the times we've had, and for more to come.
6. It was weird meeting you. I'm happy we did, we should've sooner, and we should meet more often. It's like we share a soul sometimes, we have so much to talk about. I'm glad that you get I'm a moron. And you like me anyways.
7. Hey soul sister. We've found each other again and that's great. I wonder how I lasted so long with you being so far away.
8. I wish you told me when you're hurt, because then I'd dare to do the same. I need to be able to tell you when I'm hurt but I can't somehow, most of the time, not anymore when you've grown to be a fellow human being in my eyes, more than just a sister who's there to protect me. We've had many laughs and good times and you've given me loads. I wish I could be a bigger person in your life.
9. Thank you. You understand me and I love you so much for all that you've been for me. Thanks for letting me reach the stars; after all, you did too! Don't let me give up like you haven't before. Because you telling me I can means the world to me.
10. I've grown with you as my sister, one of the only people whom I love like one and at times can't stand. But you are a perfect sister, in every way. I hope we could be even more like that. We could be so much closer.

a sunday smile and we felt true

Many times I've been sniffing my perfumes and remembering things they remind me of. Those memories are very strong. Actually I can't use certain perfumes when the smell reminds me of something I don't want to remember that time.
You learn to love or hate different smells when they remind you of something. Many times you remember things from your childhood because you remember the smell which is releated to that memory. I love the smell in my grandmother's place. I think everyone does if they jush have good memories. Also I loved the smell of the house where my deceased aunt used to live.

But let's talk about those perfumes a bit more. I have two perfumes which are very strongly releated to certain things. First is Versace's Bright Crystal. Every time I smell it I remember my first year in upper secondary school. I remember my first friends, exciting new subjects and things I loved and learned to forget during that winter. I love to use that perfume when I'm feeling calm and happy. Second is DKNY's Be Delicious (the green one). I need to say only two words to describe this memory: Sleeping Beauty. When I smell this I remember everything releated to our play last spring. Our rehearsals, jokes, lipstick, parties, displays...everything. This one I use when I go to party or when I feel joyous. Other perfumes I use when I don't wanna use neither of these two. Maybe some new memories will get linked to them.

in two or three corners of the circle

Yeah. So there's really just one thing I need to say about last month and the obviously enthusiastic blogging going on all month (sorry). It's this:



So I did it. That's why I've also ignored several things that would have needed my attention, like, oh well, school. The story is still not finished, and I'm already going on 60 000 words (when it's ready and edited it'll be available for those who understand Finnish, no way am I going to translate all that shit). I achieved 50K on Thursday 25th, and when I typed my 50 000th word I was in a pub with some friends (who are also fellow Wrimos (which obviously means NaNoWriMo participants)). We all started cheering like mad, as I'd written nearly 4000 words that day already and everybody was getting tired with my whining. Strangers in nearby tables started cheering and applauding as well. My friend had adopted his friend's old, huge, heavy typewriter and he had it out because he wanted to try it out. People in the next table were whispering "look at this mad bloke he's got an effing typewriter with him in a pub". I don't know why it's so funny. It was a great day, and I didn't even have any money to buy alcohol, no wait...

So I don't have much else to say. I haven't been doing anything else all month. I did "find" this Finnish band Happoradio while spotifying (IT'S A WORD) during one of my long and tiring NaNo-evenings. I have known them for ages and listened to like five of their songs, but for some reason I never went further. Now Happoradio is practically everything I've been listening to all month (although I'm now listening to Eggs Are Funny as I'm currently up for some Mew loving).

Now it's time to worry about upcoming concerts, like my voice teacher's christmas concert where I'll be singing about death and hapless love (I've not prepared well enough, but as my dad says, ten minutes of shame can save you hours of practice), christmas presents (as I'm broke, and apparently giving people stuff on the day our Lord was born is the only way to show I care) and MY NEW JOB (I'll be starting right after christmas, after which I hopefully won't be so terribly broke all the time). I wish everyone a brilliant December, loads of snow (<3) and proper christmas spirit. And also, on the 6th, kiss a Finn as we're cute and it's our Independence Day! Happy birthday Finland!



P.S. I had a dream where I wrote Remus and Dumbledore to have an affair. It was weird, especially as they were really cute and all. I definitely won't be writing that.
P.P.S. Don't you just love that jolly Voldie up there? My Remus' dear boyfriend is really pleasing the Dark Lord. XDD
P.P.P.S. Also, don't you just love love love how funny I've become?

she is the grey weather at the end of my tether

I had already forgotten how good Mew actually is. I really was, until today. I was searching some songs to play at school on our music course and the headwords I entered on Spotify gave me a bunch of Mew's songs. I was surprised because I haven't think about them in months, don't know why. First time I realized I like them was in the summer of 2009, at Ruisrock music festival. Mew was the last band left on Saturday. I didn't know anything about them but my friend wanted to see them so we stayed and it was worth it. The feeling was absolutely amazing. Thousands of people swaying in the uneven rythmn and enjoying the sensuous sound of the singer's voice. And we were outside, it was summer night, the sky was clear and full of shining stars. What is more, the lights and the video show behind the band was an experience intrinsically.

Second time we went to see Mew when they had a gig in Helsinki in November 2009. Just a year ago. We were in four (Inkku was one of them) and this time all knew what was coming and the exitement was guaranteed. This gig wasn't so incredible as the gig in Ruisrock but still, it was really good.

Now I have recalled enough, I think. And it's time for some new stuff: Mew has released a compilation album of their greatest songs and its name is Eggs Are Funny. Funny isn't it? Album cover and link to Spotify below!

 Mew – Eggs Are Funny (2010)

as the winter winds litter London with lonely hearts

today Johanna "Tuksu" Tukiainen has a "gig" in my town. all my friends here are going. and there's a saturday disco in Tavastia tonight and my Helsinki friends are going there. but i'm not. today i feel that it's much nicer to stay home, go to sauna and watch some silly tv shows with my family. or maybe snuggle to the corner of our sofa and grab a good book with me, not forgetting a cup of hot chocolate and a warm blanket.
so why should i celebrate every single weekend even there's actually no reason to party? i don't know. that's just what people expect when they're just turned to their eighteens. you should party every friday and saturday night and after all that, survive from school and hobbies. i'm not made to sleep only 4 hours per night and to study hard 8 hours a day. no way. so i'm not going to party tonight. i'm going to relax and enjoy my time here as i am, watching the beautiful scene outside.

one week ago it snowed and it felt funny after this warm autumn. i thought it'd be like every november: it starts suddenly and next morning it's turned to water. but this year seems to be very exraordinady, indeed. last winter was extremely cold and there were so much snow that we had to shovel it off from our roof because the mass off snow was dangerously heavy.  last summer was the hottest ever been in finland before and now it's 15 degrees colder than normally in november! crazy, isn't it? so now i have very wintry and christmasy feeling. high snow drifts, dark almost the whole day and the sky looks very beautiful with brightly shining stars. jingle bells, jingle bells...
love, f

I grew up with Harry Potter. Did you?

So, it's finally November and I'm attending NaNoWriMo right now, like last year. Only last year I got bored with my story so fast that I never finished it. Now I'm writing something I've been planning for half a year already, and I'm really excited about it. As I'm writing this, my word count is 12 295, so yay.

About the story I'm writing then: it's a Harry Potter fanfic (as the smartest ones might already have realised after reading the title of this post). It's slash (this means two blokes doin' it). It's going to be very canon (which means I'll try to change the original story and the characters as little as possible). It starts somewhere in 1976 and ends in May 2 1998. And it involves my long-time OTP (one true pairing), Remus and Severus. So, do you think I can do it?

I believe I can. So come on November, bring it on!

we're spinning on our heels

 Dear, dear Katie, what have you done lately
I've heard it's all going on...

It's been a while since i posted last time. But that's life so you just have to accept it. My life has been during these weeks like a pipebomb which is going to explode on any second - and still three weeks left before I really can relax a bit and think if I've failed or succeeded. We'll see. Now I have two different lighting productions coming up: some theatre and dance, and I'm getting pretty nervous. Last time I designed any lights was in August and two month brake is a way too much for me. So it takes some time to get the hang of. Hope it'll go well.  Everybody trust me.

But thank god there's some great and happy things coming soon too, as James Blunt is going to save me on next Monday! His new album Some Kind of a Trouble is out then (8th November) and it's gonna be so great (even thought I, in theory, don't have any money). I've already heard couple songs like the single Stay the Night and it's brilliant. Just absolutely brilliant. It's totally different from what we're used to hear from James. It's fresh, happy, and it makes me smile like an idiot. Yeah, I'm not joking. I'm sure everybody remember his earlier hits You're Beautiful and 1973 and know that they're everything but happy. But this album makes the difference: the whole album will be good mooded. So it's totally unresistable as I love smiling and happy music. I hope others will understand me and agree because James Blunt is a man of my life (well one of them..) and I've been waiting this for soo long.

Here. Stay the Night.

sun in your eyes

I was in Berlin for five days. It was a lovely place. I think I'm going to want to go there again. So many things I didn't see and even more things that I want to see again. I didn't discover anything new there except for perhaps that I don't necessarily need to. I should just keep on doing what I do. And get a job. And live a life like the one I want. And I'm ready to take on my every day life now. I wasn't sure before. But I went there and I didn't die yet. So I'm ready.

I did take pictures. Now I'm no photographer, but I still want to show some.






It's now time for silent yet pleasant autumn times of settled, bitter sadness that makes me smile in the 'don't laugh at me don't look away' kind of way. I've been listening to music and trying to find the music in me again.

when trouble thinks it's found us
the world falls down around us

like a french movie

[And again, Vilma shows her skills and leaves me looking miserable. Now I'm referring to the previous post. Oh well. Nice photos, girl. You're brilliant.]

In chess, it's called Zugzwang, when the only viable move is not to move.

Today's been a weird, slow day. I've laughed and cried and tried to study and sat in a metro train feeling a bit senseless, like not knowing which muscle to move next. I've been with my friends and loved them more than ever, even if that's not possible. I've been sitting down, doing nothing and wondering about the biscuits on the floor and feeling just fine, like that's all I'd need to do. I've been stripped of stress. It's a relief.

You have to make the right choice. As long as you don't choose, everything remains possible.

I saw a movie that easily ranks as one of the best ones that I've seen, Mr. Nobody. It really made me cry (and some of the actors were really fucking hot, even some that weren't Jared Leto). I don't think I'd have gone to see it alone. This is where the friends come in again. The movie was the kind where the plot doesn't matter but the message and the themes that are talked about. It was mainly about time, choices, a big mess of answering the age old question of 'what if'. It's a foolish game we play, and this movie was about that as well. About how every choice is equal, and of every choice comes something good and something bad. And how coincidence plays part in how things go. And how, really, you can't change things afterwards. If you make a wrong choice, you can only try and make it better.

Before he was unable to make a choice because he didn't know what would happen. Now that he knows what will happen, he is unable to make a choice.



Most of the time nothing happened... like a French movie.

we are trees

Ora che arriva l’inverno e noi siamo gli alberi,
senza le foglie e i colori pronti a proteggerci

Simone Cristicchi - Come la neve

we broke but we rich at heart

A general note: I totally approve of Florence + The Machine. The Dog Days Are Over was also featured in Skins, in the 4th episode of the 3rd series. About the movie whatnot I know nothing. Either way, if you haven't ever watched Skins, please do so now before you grow dead inside. Because of the music if not otherwise. I made a series 3 playlist in Spotify (and will make playlists of the rest of the show, too), but have no idea how to share it, advice needed! I've found so many brilliant artists by just watching telly and movies (for example Bon Iver, Passion Pit, Wilco, Elbow, Alela Diane, Adele, The Smiths, Regina Spektor...) that I can't but recommend you to please find the playlists for your favourite tv shows and films, you'll like what you find!

Right now I feel like lying on the floor with a friend, drinking wine and listening to music and talking. Or waiting until it's dark and then go for a walk and take odd pictures by the sea. Or that kind of generally unnecessary shit that makes you feel good.



I really like driving. It's weird because it's calming even though it gets me totally freaked out. It's the closest I'll probably ever get to feeling like I'm flying. Because, funnily enough, in a plane I never feel like flying. And also, the fact that you could end everything by just turning a wheel, but you never do, makes you feel like you're important after all in a very lovely way.

saturday night

Florence + The Machine are awesome. Their song Dog Days are Over was in a trailer of a movie Eat Pray Love.
But tonight I'm going to Painobaari to see the Firsts, Suomen Zorro & Elämänpaineet and One of the Pigeons. I've only heard One of the Pigeons before but I'm really interested to hear the others too. But apparently I'm going alone unless there's someone who'd like to join me. I'll have fun alone too but it'd be nice to go with someone.

the girl who lived on lemonade

Today, I finally got a package in the mail that I've been waiting for for ages. It's the super lovely Skins DVD-box that I ordered from hmv.com at the very reasonable price of £29,99 and it includes complete first, second, third and fourth series of the show <3 I already watched my favourite episodes of the first series. I didn't even remember how great that shit is!
(Here I was supposed to apologise about this terrible picture that I was going to post because I have to flaunt it, yes it's absolutely necessary, but Blogger doesn't seem to work so I'll leave it. Probably for the best though, I think Vilma might have been crying bloody tears right about now if I had succeeded.)



I had my first piano lesson in years today. It was kind of fun. I think I'll like it. The piano playing. Haven't been too fond of it lately. But I like the music. But on the other hand, don't I always. (Answer: no I don't. Some music is shitty. It's kind of sad.)

I don't really have that much to say. I've a funeral gig next Saturday. I'll be singing love songs. It's really not so much about me being gloomy as it is about what I've been told to sing. It's the composer's wife's funeral. Oh, no pressure. None whatsoever. Singing at funerals and weddings makes me feel like a real musician, as well as inheriting my mum's old Bach books.

it's one of these days

It's about love again. A popular theme, I see. But I'm not going to talk about things I love. I'm going to talk how I can't forget what I've loved. Silly me, I just can't. It started already years ago. I was young, so young and the boy was much older than me. I was sure that it'd never work and so it didn't. But there was something I couldn't resist in him. Was it his smile or hair, the way he is, talk or walk? I don't know. It could be everything, all the little details or otherwise...none of them.

What if it was only in my head? I saw him as a man of my dreams but in reality, he can be totally different. However, I was helplessly in love. And to be honest I still am. Not so passionately, not that much that I'd only think about him. Still there are these days when I'm absent-minded and you find me boring and slow. It's because he still keeps coming to my dreams every once in a while. Last night, twice.

Now we're both older and the age difference isn't so big anymore. Or so it feels. But am I ready to just call him or talk to him if I'd see him suddenly somewhere on a Friday night? No, no I'm not. When it's about boys I turn out to be shy and insecure. My head certanly forgets how to be funny and produce sensible sentences. I really need to get rid of this because it's not who I am. I'm the person who calls to taxi when no one else got guts to do it. I take challenges and I'm not scared of anything but jumping to water. If you know me you know that I like to talk with others, even they'd been strangers.

it's my turn to love

I love music. All kinds of music. Jazz, classical, heavy metal, what's indie in a cool way and what's indie in an overly hipster way, pop, rock and blues, musicals and folk songs and gospel. Right now, I love Regina Spector. She sings beautifully. I also love pictures of music, movies of music, books of music. It's what I do. Sometimes I think it's the only thing I ever do.

I love autumn. It's a bit cold and a bit dark, it feels like a beginning and means that soon it's winter and the world is going to seem smaller and safer. It's the time to eat apple pie and oven apples, hold a teacup in your hands and sit in a pub for hours with a friend and watch the rain outside. It's warm and cosy and the beer tastes good and nobody is constantly telling you to go wild.



I love things that make me feel weird. Good weird or just different weird. Some songs or films, some people or some words. A photograph or a drawing can make you look at it twice. Sentences, when well written, can do that. Or books that can make you cry in a rush hour bus. I love the feeling that you can get, how you're not quite sure of things and what happens next, when you suddenly start to rethink what's important.

I love people, who are fun to be around. People who make you forget your worries and just seize the moment, as corny as it sounds. The kind of people who make you go 'fuck it, it's not what I want to do, let's do that instead'. In the long run, it might not be good for you, but in can make you feel better than you've felt in ages. I love my friends who laugh and smile and talk and hug and cry and are happy and are sad and need me and make me need them. I love my crazy friends who'll do crazy things with me.

i love owls

any kinds of owls. 

real ones, jewels, cuddly toys, ornaments, owls in clothes, 

the sound they make and any kinds of owl shaped or -themed things. 

just have to love them. oh, and songs about owls of course!

Mew - Owl

Devendra Banhart - Owl Eyes

Seabear - Owl Waltz

i wish we could open our eyes

Even though I'm usually tired in the mornings and my huge bed is stunningly comfortable, I've grown to really like mornings like this one. I get to listen to music and drink my tea and get ready for the day. There are a few problems, though.

1. My brother wakes up grumpy, noisy and in need of a long shower.
2. My mum really hates this. She is loud when she hates something.
3. My brother is easily annoyed by my mum being loud. He's loud when he's annoyed with something.
4. I usually don't have to wake up as early as my brother, because I've had my share of early mornings during the first 11 years of my 12 years of school.
5. I don't sleep too well when it's really noisy.
6. When my brother is taking a shower for an hour lying in the bathtub and using up all the hot water (we don't have that problem, but it's really annoying when we're on holiday).
7. My brother usually likes to go to the shower just about when I have to wake up. He doesn't mind being late. I do.

So they are noisy together and I turn around in my bed for an hour unable to sleep. When I finally wake up, my brother is in the shower and won't get out of the bathroom. Our only bathroom in the house. Then, about 15 minutes before I have to leave, I get to use it. Usually. Because guess which is more important, my getting to school in time or my dad's getting to work in time?

I usually shower in the evening. It's just easier that way.

Today, my morning music is Sigur Rós, Death Cab For Cutie, Scandinavian Music Group and of the like. It finally looks like autumn. I need to brush my hair. I have a test in German in about an hour, and I'm going to be screwed, because I've kind of been busy with all the matriculation exams and shit. Haven't had time to concentrate on studying German, seriously. But I guess I'll just have to do my best. And try and pass the exam.

Morning, all.

climb up in the trees, every chance that you get is a chance you seize

I shouldn't do this when I'm on a bad mood, sorry. But I have my reasons. I really wanted to achieve success in matriculation exams, especially in English, but I didn't. I'm really disappointed and I hate myself at the moment. Yeah yeah I want you all to know it because C isn't acceptable at all! Of course that's only in my opinion because I wanted to get E which is really good... And now I'm merely middle class with my forlorn C and miserable points. *sobs*

Neverthelss, hello I'm Vilma slash foaly and when I'm not that disappointed I'm really cheerful person and I tend to smile and laugh all the time. For real, I'm not joking! So that's who I am, broadly.

Me and Inkku have very similar taste of music and we like cool things. For instance: Ikku has almost all of my favourite movies and books in her bookshelf and I have to borrow them all because I've been so miserly that I haven't bought any. Haha, sorry. I'll lend you some CDs or books if you like. Sooo that's about it. By the way, I'm already feeleing better now. We're going to watch (500) Days of Summer with my mom now and eat oven apples with ice cream. She's so awsome.

streets are uneven when you're down

This is one of those days that when you wake up you feel like asking whether you should be awake at all. And you keep on sleeping. And when you finally wake up, and holding your tea cup choose your morning music, think about what you should wear, it starts feeling like a regular morning.
Surprisingly enough, it's a sunny day. My fake flower living in an empty bottle of wine seems happy today. The mess on my desk seems lovely. I'll go to school and meet the people who have already texted me this morning, and the ones who might be thinking how I am.
I feel loved.
It's a bit odd.

I'm listening to the Doors. I don't feel strange today.



This is a blog that I'm going to write from now on with Vilma. I'm Avery, or Inkku if you will, from deepest darkest Helsinki, 18 and going on 19. I like music and artsy shit, like corny blog posts and musicals.
This blog is about the things that we like and the other things in life, like what we do or the things we don't like but exist. Or something of the like, I think. It's quite possible that you'll see later on what this is about, just like us. Welcome! We like you already.